The holidays are a time of gathering. There are parties and more interactions with family and friends. It is a time of joy, excitement, and reconnection with loved ones. For many, the holidays can also come with their fair share of stressors. Keep stress levels …
There are no wrong emotions, they all are valid. We cannot control how we feel about circumstances or events. Your truth is your truth. The initial feelings you have in response to events are always okay.
What you can control is how you choose to react and respond even when emotions are heightened. Just because your feelings and emotions are valid, doesn’t mean they give you an excuse to behave however you want. It’s important to keep in mind that your initial emotions do not consider many factors you’d prefer to consider when thinking with a rational mind and not one overcome with strong feelings. Your emotions do not consider your goals, the relationships you’d like to keep, or the work you’ve put in thus far.
Do you feel like you have a tendency to focus on the negative aspects of your life and gloss over the positive aspects? If you feel like you do, you’re probably right and you’re not alone. No, you aren’t a downer or a pessimist. This tendency is actually an evolutionary adaptation called the negativity bias which likely helped keep your ancestors alive.
The Negativity Bias is humans’ tendency to give more weight to things that go wrong than things that go right. We respond faster and stronger to things our brains label as “bad,” easily dismissing the good. This helped our ancestors stay away from things that could harm them and be detrimental to our survival.
Our amygdala uses about 2/3 of its neurons to detect negativity and then quickly store it into long-term memory. So, 2/3 of your emotion and motivation regulator is designed to focus primarily on the negative.
In our world, for those of us who are fortunate enough to have our basic needs met, the constant negativity bias is no longer necessary for survival. The negativity bias, which was once an adaptive advantage, can therefore become maladaptive. So much so that a negative event can be detrimental to our work, relationships, health and happiness. Continually viewing things through the lens of the negativity bias can increase stress levels, impair our happiness and general quality of life. It also makes it harder to be patient and giving towards others.
Fortunately, there is a way to change the brain’s negativity bias. First, bring awareness to the fact that “bad” comes through stronger than “good.” Then, it’s a matter of training our brains for positivity. Actively become more attuned to positive emotions such as joy, contentment, pride, and love. Studies claim that for a positive experience to get into our long-term memory we should hold it in our field of attention for at least 10-20 seconds or it could disappear. This helps with sensitizing the amygdala to focus more on the good.
Due to another bias, the brain’s confirmation bias, the brain tends to search for, interpret, favor, and record information in a way that confirms or supports one’s beliefs and value. So, actively value and build on the positive. Notice and savor the positives. Purposefully draw your attention to and keep your attention on the positive aspects of your life. Draw your focus to the things that bring you joy. When you consistently partake in this practices that do this, you will be able to gradually shift what your subconscious mind focuses on. When you are to give more weight to the good, it will greatly change your overall experience of life for the better.
For help with this, contact me to sign up for 1:1 coaching here!
A strong and intentional morning routine is the key to a great day. It’s great to make your morning routine a priority, but the truth is we don’t always have hours to dedicate to it. Sometimes we sleep in, sometimes we have somewhere to be earlier than usual, sometimes we simply don’t have the time. There are a million different reasons. What will set you up for a great day, even when you don’t have much time to devote to yourself, is having a set of non-negotiables. These non-negotiables are activities that you know will help you have the best day that you can.
Before you open yourself up to the outside world and influence, do something for your mind, your body, and your soul. Develop quick practices you can do in each category as your non-negotiables.
Sometimes happiness hits you, but most of the time it’s a choice you make. It’s something you have to purposefully create not happen upon. Becoming aware of this and intentionally creating happiness in the normalcy is where sustainable happiness lies.
I want to bring your attention to your why. So much of what you do day in and day out is done on autopilot. Science estimates that 95 percent of our brain’s activity is unconscious. That means that an overwhelming majority of the decisions you make are done subconsciously. You do things without even fully realizing you’re doing them sometimes. So many people have no idea what the reasoning is behind their actions, emotions, and goals.
I want to bring your attention to your why in hopes that you’ll take time to consider it before taking action. In doing this, you’ll bring some of your actions out of subconscious autopilot and into conscious and intentional action. Next time you feel motivated to do something, ask yourself why. When you feel emotional, ask yourself why. Feel hurt by something? Dive into the why. You can begin this process with specific situations. If for instance, you don’t like your job, journal about why and see what patterns you find. Did you enjoy your date with your partner last night? Ask yourself why. Communicate with your partner about what you enjoyed so you can experience more authentic connection.
Understanding your why helps you take action aligned with your values. Knowing your why allows you to confidently pursue your goals. When you understand your why, you better understand yourself. When you understand what hurts you, you can then heal. When you understand what motivates you, you can leverage it. When you understand why certain things leave you feeling happy, you can add more joy to your life.
When you have strong feelings don’t just accept them, dive into them. When you set your sights on new goals, before you begin pursuing them dive into the why. Why do you think that goal will be beneficial? How do you think that goal will make you feel? How can you feel that way now?
Bring your why into the forefront of your mind. Consider it an initial part of the decision making process. Journal about it before you take action and reflect on it after you do. Learn more about your subconscious so you can intentionally design the life that leaves you feeling your best. Want 1:1 coaching on this? Click here to learn more about coaching or email me at lunchroomlitigation.com
“We cannot live being governed by how we feel. Our emotions are temporary and not always reflective of reality.” –Brianna Wiest in her book the: The Mountain is You. We’ve all been there. We feel strong emotions and want to react. But is that always …
If you feel stuck right now, remember it’s the small steps you take towards your goals that make all the difference. If you’re having a hard time taking small steps in the right direction towards your goals or identifying which goals will serve you best, contact me to learn more about coaching. Investing in yourself and your quality of life will have a monumental impact in all areas of your life.
At the end of the day the only person responsible for your life, for your happiness, and your wellbeing is you. So, get comfortable meeting your needs. That doesn’t mean you have to handle everything yourself. It also doesn’t mean you can’t rely on others to meet your needs. What it does mean is it is your responsibility to reach out to others and tell them what you need. It means it’s up to you to identify when situations are and are not working for you. It’s up to you to build support systems for yourself and to respond when your needs are not being met. It’s up to you to show up for yourself.
The first time I was asked what I needed in a situation was one of the hardest questions I’ve been asked. I had never really thought about it. What did I need? I had no idea. I knew when things felt good, I knew when things felt bad. However, identifying and asking for what I needed and answering honestly (not just saying it’s all good when it’s not) was a foreign concept to me. I was an attorney, I advocated for others all the time. However, advocating for myself, before things reached a tipping point and I felt like I had to fight for myself, was a foreign concept.
Learning how to identify and communicate my needs to a partner or a friend has become a huge life hack. It allows me to make adjustments before things become an issue. It’s also a great trust building activity both with myself and those around me. Consistently spending time to identify and take action to meet my needs has built confidence around the fact that when I need me, I’ll be there. It reinforced that I can trust myself to take care of me. In regards to others, it’s an act of vulnerability to honestly communicate what you need from people. When individuals in your life take those needs seriously and act accordingly, it builds authentic trust and connection.
It’s up to you to take care of you. One day you’ll see you’re your greatest gift.
Take an audit of your life today and see where your energy is being used. Are you being drawn into other people’s problems, the news, social media? Where are you expending your precious energy and focus? This is energy that could be used to reach your own personal goals. Instead of scrolling social media you could be connecting with your partner. Instead of getting sucked into drama you can be getting your work done. Put your energy into things that are going to fill your cup or leave you feeling accomplished, not drained.
