Growth is Not Linear
There is a saying that goes something along the lines of “now that you know better do better.” As we have navigated life, most of us picked up less than ideal coping mechanisms to deal with negative emotions when life gets hard. Hopefully at some point we’ve realized these coping mechanisms are not actually helping us deal but are preventing us from processing, moving on, and enjoying life.
There are thousands of unique ways to numb and distract ourselves from our problems. We snap at our spouse when we’re stressed instead communicating our needs, we have a few glasses of wine to ease the stress of raising our children instead of asking for a break, we blame others instead of honestly looking at how we contributed to a negative outcome, the list goes on and on. But the outcome remains the same, unresolved issues will demand to be heard requiring stronger numbing and better distracting until it all inevitably comes crashing down affecting ourselves and our relationships in a negative way.
If you are on a path of self-development, you have likely started the process of replacing unhealthy coping mechanisms with healthy coping mechanisms. Healthy mechanisms leave us feeling sustainably better or they help us both get to and work through the root of the problem.
It is when we are aware of healthier options that we struggle with knowing better but being unable to always do better in the moment. When experiencing times of distress our brains turn to autopilot. We fall back on the things we’ve done in the past, which were often easy but unsustainable short term fixes, instead of consciously choosing habits that leave us feeling good in the long term. When this gap between knowing better and doing better arises, we fall further into negativity often judging and shaming ourselves for failing to choose the healthier option.
Judgement and shame are never the answer. Don’t judge yourself if you fall back into unhealthy coping mechanisms. Growth is not linear. There is no straight line towards some “ideal” version of yourself. Life is messy, growth is messy. It’s called growing pains for a reason. The process is not always pleasant or predictable.
If you fall into negative thinking or unhealthy patterns the answer is to get back to the healthy habits as quickly as possible and to get curious about what caused you to fall back. Use it as an opportunity to get clear on what causes you to fall back to unhealthy habits. Find out what triggers you, what needs to be healed, what is and is not working for you. Brainstorm ways to set yourself up for success. Use each set back as a teaching moment, as an opportunity to learn a little more. Even if you’ve been here before, use each set back as an opportunity to dig a little deeper, to heal a little more, to learn about what does and does not work for you.
Our tendency to fall back into what’s familiar, even if it’s not what’s best for us is why it’s imperative to make healthy coping habits part of your daily routine. Don’t solely keep healthy habits in your back pocket for when life gets hard. Practice them and strengthen them. This will reinforce the positive consequences of their use. The more practice you have, the more familiar these habits will be to you. The more familiar the habit, especially when times get rough, the more likely you will turn to it instead of a destructive habit.
If you do fall back on destructive habits, don’t become exasperated with yourself. Reframe the situation. So, instead of beating yourself up, you will see it as an opportunity for growth and learn more from it. It’s not “ugh this again”. It’s “okay this again, what can I learn now.” Because if it’s still showing up then there is still more you can learn, there is deeper that you can go. Growth is not linear, but you grow nonetheless.