Happiness

We are unintentionally conditioned from when we are young to believe that our happiness is dependent upon our accomplishments. When we got As on our tests, we were told we were worthy; when we scored a goal in soccer we were applauded; when we did our hair well or wore a nice outfit, we received attention. There is nothing wrong with doing well, achieving our goals and feeling pride in doing so. However, it’s not sustainable to always be doing our best. We are not always going to be achieving something others deem worthy of applause. We have to learn to clap for ourselves.

Somewhere along the way, our brains translated the extrinsic validation we received after “doing well” to mean we were happy. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes we are happy. And there is nothing wrong with validation, relationships are based on validation and growth. Sometimes we work hard for the right reasons and achieving our goals makes us genuinely satisfied. But other times, we chase external validation and praise to fulfill us, to tell us we are whole, to prove to others and ourselves we are doing alright.

What I began to realize as I got older is external happiness, happiness based on things going well for me, is fleeting. We reach one goal and we’re artificially happy for a while. Living off the high of other’s praise we’re able to convince ourselves that we’re on the right track. But like all highs, it’s temporary. It’s only a matter of time before we’re stuck in our own heads wondering why we still feel unfulfilled. We assume it’s because we did something wrong, or something is wrong with us. We think we haven’t accomplished enough; we aren’t worthy of lasting happiness yet; we have to work harder. We tell ourselves lies like: when I make six figures, that’s when I’ll be happy, when I have a baby that’s when it’ll all come together, when I find the perfect partner, when I fit into those jeans, that’ll be the moment I’ll surely be content. And then we’re off pursuing the next goal. The one that will most definitely bring us peace. As we grow into adults these goals transition from getting As in math to having nice kitchens or getting an office with a window or having kids who get As and score soccer goals.

Here’s the thing, chasing validation outside of yourself will never make you truly happy. Happiness based on other people, conditions or things is unreliable, it can always be taken away. What matters are the things inside of you. The things that will be with you always. The love you have for yourself. The inspired actions that make you, you.

We have to learn to be content even when we aren’t moving mountains. To be happy when the most we did all day was get out of bed. This is tricky, balance is key. After two months of doing nothing but watching Netflix and chilling, we likely aren’t going to be feeling our best. Balance is difficult to learn, but is important to living an authentically happy life. What is a good balance for one person may not be good for you. Life is about trial and error, constantly tweaking variables so you can feel your best. Being willing to recognize when something that served you in the past is no longer serving you in the present.

When you start basing your happiness on you, when you start listening to the voice deep in your gut, you’ll start chasing the things that truly set your heart on fire. Things that make your face light up.

At first, it’s hard to know what your individual soul really wants from what you’ve been conditioned all your life to value. For example, getting a job at a law firm with a good reputation as an entry level attorney made me pretty happy at the time. But that happiness was gone in a matter of weeks, then I was onto the next project. Did I actually want the job with the good title or was I doing it for how it looked to others? Helping my grandmother do her make up for my cousins wedding made me happy in a different way, maybe not as intense but that happiness will never fade. It doesn’t demand anything else from me. I was content with just that moment, I wasn’t looking for another moment to chase.

I don’t have a guide for what will make you truly feel happy, it’s different for everyone. But what I can tell you is that the more you love yourself, the more moments you’ll experience that will make you feel truly alive. Truly present in your life. Those are the moments that you’ll carry with you forever. That is your happiness.